Lawn Chairs
by YoYoYoYams
Summary: It's my own episode of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS. I use a lot of the names of those 5 main guys, so you may want to look up their names. It makes it more enjoyable when you know which guy it is.
1. Chapter 1: It's

A/N – Disclaimer: I do not own Monty Python's Flying Circus. I don't know any of the characters/writers, but a sure as heck wish I did. Anyway, I don't own any of the episodes or anything like that, so...here's my episode: "Lawn Chairs"

"_It's" Man is seen in a desert field, miles from the screen._

"It's" Man – It's...

Off-screen voice– What?

"It's" Man – (comes a bit closer) It's...

Voice – What was that?

"It's" Man – (comes a few feet from the camera) It's...

Voice – Still can't hear you...

"It's" Man – (comes with face inches from camera) IT'S!

_Opening Theme_

_Green background, white letters spelling out "Episode 32B"_

John Cleese's Voice (very serious) – Episode thirty-two 'B'.

_Letters spelling out "Lawn Chairs"_

Cleese's Voice – Lawn Chairs

_Picture of long, pink lawn chair_

Cleese's Voice – This...is a lawn chair. It is pink. It is long. It is a lawn chair.

_Eric Idle walks onto the screen and stands next to the chair._

Cleese's Voice – Watch, as this man demonstrates how to sit in a lawn chair.

_Idle sits, then lies on the chair. But, when he leans his head back, the chair flips over backwards. Cleese is heard trying to smother a giggle._

Cleese's Voice – Nevermind, then.

A/N – Sorry it was so short. I was just splitting it up into sensible scenes. (I often get yelled at for short chapters, so I felt the need to say that.)


	2. Chapter 2: Lemming Of The BDA

_John Cleese sitting at a newscaster's desk._

Cleese – And now for something completely different.

_5 seconds of elephants charging through the savannah. Then, back to John Cleese._

Cleese – And now for something completely the same.

_Same video of elephants, then back to John Cleese._

Cleese – And now for something completely different.

"_Lemming Of The BDA" poster comes on screen._

Terry Jones' Voice – And now, another exciting episode of "Lemming of the BDA!"

"_Lemming Of The BDA" song is heard. Screen goes to a dental office, with Arthur Lemming standing behind the counter with his secretary. The phone rings, and the secretary answers it._

Secretary – Mm Hm...Yes...No, of course not...Okay I'll tell him. (hangs up phone; turns to Lemming and looks at him over-seriously) Lemming, they've got another one for you.

Lemming – (turns to camera with the same seriousness) I must move quickly! Secretary, find me a replacement dentist pronto! I'll put on my disguise, and get the details and location on the way!

"_Lemming Of The BDA" poster comes on screen for a moment. Screen then goes to a suburban area with Lemming, disguised as a tobacconist, knocking on the door of a house. The Big Cheese (with Flopsy) opens the door._

Big Cheese – Yes?

Lemming – Is this the residents of...(looks at a piece of paper)...Joe Smith?

Big Cheese – Yes, yes, that's me. Who are you?

Lemming – I'm a tobacconist. Would you like to buy anything?

Big Cheese – No, no they're terrible for you.

Lemming – I suppose they are especially bad for your** teeth**! (pulls out a gun)

Big Cheese – (taken aback) W-What? Who are you?

Lemming – Haven't you guessed, "Joe Smith"? Or should I say, The Big Cheese!

Big Cheese – (gasps) Are you from the British Dental Association? (Lemming pulls off his disguise) (gasps again) Lemming! (pulls out his own gun) Get out! You're not welcome here! Right, Flopsy? Flopsy? (shoots him) What a shame, that's the fifth one this week.

Lemming – (loads gun) Drop the gun, Cheese!

Big Cheese – (pulls out second, bigger gun) You first! (Lemming gasps, then drops his gun and puts his hands up)

_Screen flashes to Terry Jones dressed as Napoleon._

Jones – (sarcastically) Nice job, Lemming.

_Back to Lemming and Big Cheese_

Big Cheese – For the very last time, where are the fillings?

Lemming – I'll never tell!

Big Cheese – Oh, really?

_Terry Jones in a green surgical outfit storms in with a bazooka_

Brian – Really!

"_Lemming Of The BDA" poster comes on screen with the word "Brian" instead of "Lemming" and Brian's face instead of Lemming's. "Lemming Of The BDA" song is played, except wherever "Lemming" is said, Brian replaces it._

Big Cheese – Brian?

Brian – Drop your guns, Cheese! We'll never give you the fillings! (Big Cheese drops guns)

Lemming – Thanks for coming, Brian. (picks up his gun) Now, surrender, Cheese! We've caught you before and we'll do it again, so give up!

Big Cheese – I'll never surrender to a couple of stupid dentists!

_John Cleese and Terry Gilliam both walk up behind Big Cheese, dressed in black and armed with two machine guns. Cleese hands a machine gun to Big Cheese._

Big Cheese – Ha! Now its three against two! We've got you beat, even with your petty bazooka!

Lemming – I don't think so, Big Cheese. Look!

_Michael Palin walks in with a dentistry outfit on and a second bazooka._

John Cleese – (whining) How many bazookas do you people have?

Brian – (suddenly casual) Oh, these are the only two. This one's actually new. (gestures to his own bazooka)

John Cleese – Well, it's quite nice.

Brian – Thank you. (Then serious again) Now, give up! Your surrounded!

Big Cheese – Drat! We have no choice! (sighs) I suppose you'll be wanting to know where our fillings our, seeing as your not going to tell us where your are.

Lemming – Yes! But, that's an adventure for another day. For now, you three are coming with us!

_Screen then goes to "Lemming Of the BDA" poster again._

Terry Jones' Voice – And, once again, the world is safe for dentists everywhere, thanks to...Lemming of the British Dental Association!

"_Lemming Of The BDA" song is played._


	3. Chapter 3: The Raw Public

**A/N - **I realized I've kind of been disregarding Terry Gilliam's existence a bit. I apologize for this. '~' I plead insanity. Anyway, anytime I refer to 'the five Pythons' it means minus Gilliam, given that he is mostly the animator. To make up for this, though, I've given him quite a few nice lines in this next sketch. Wish him luck.

* * *

_Terry Gilliam sitting at a desk dressed as a Viking._

Gilliam - (feminine voice) And now, we go to the streets to once again get the raw public's opinion.

_Eric Idle dressed as a schoolboy standing awkwardly in the street._

Idle - ...I'd like to see...(_giggle)..._big bottoms.

_John Cleese dressed in business attire standing in the street._

Cleese - Well, I would like to see...(_suppressed grin)..._big bottoms.

_Medieval Knight walked in a clubs him with a raw chicken. Back to Terry Gilliam._

Gilliam - (feminine voice) I think that's enough of the man on the street... Well, how about the letters sent in from our viewers?

_A series of letters are shown [accompanied by assorted voices] that read the following:_

**Dear sir, I think that what I wish to see anything on this program, it's less naughty opinions. I mean, who would really get on television and say that they want to see big bottoms? I think these people are scripted, and should be taken off of this program immediately. PS-Any women watching this show with big bottoms should make their way 'round to my place immediately.**

**Dear sir, I wish to object to the last letter shown on this program as it is highly hypocritical.**

**Dear sir, I wish to object to the last letter shown on this program as it is highly nag-ocritical.**

**Dear sir, I wish to object to the last letter shown on this program as it's grammar is atrocious merely so it matches up with the previous one.**

**Dear sir, I wish to object to the past three letters as they do not at all address the task at hand.**

**Dear sir, I wish to object to the last letter shown on this program as it's highly hypocritical. _Sincerely, the writer of the second letter._**

**Dear sir, I wish to apologize for my last letter as it was highly hypocritical. What I wish to see on this program is women with big bottoms. _Sincerely, the writer of the fifth letter._**

**Dear sir, I wish to disagree with whoever wrote the last letter. They shouldn't waste their time on television, but instead come 'round to my place. _Sincerely, the writer of the first letter._**

_Back to Terry Gilliam._

Gilliam - (feminine voice) (chuckles, embarrassed)...What does the raw public know anyway?

John Cleese - (suddenly sitting a desk adjacent to Gilliam's) I quite agree, we should just go along and see how we do on our own. (looks up at camera) And now for something completely different. (looks back to Gilliam casually) Want to grab some lunch?

_The five 'Pythons' are seen standing around the pink lawn chair on some random dock on the sea, chatting casually. The shot flashes to the five of them and the lawn chair silhouetted against the sunset. Suddenly, the dock spontaneously collapses and the five of them are plunged into the sea and grasp desperately onto- you guessed it -the lawn chair (which is defying physics and acting as a perfect flotation device). Now the shot closes up on the lawn chair out at sea, the five Pythons clinging to various edges of it, tired and fearful._

Palin - Captain, I don't think we can make it much longer; we need to rest somehow.

Cleese - I told you, I'm not your captain. We were never even on a ship! Anyway, I don't see how we can have any rest without a boat, so shut your damn mouth, Palin!

Jones - Don't talk to him like that!

Cleese - ...Sorry, Mike.

Palin - It's alright, Captain.

Cleese - I not your-...oh nevermind. I guess we're all tired and I'm a bit on edge. _(everyone seems to be looking to him expectantly) _Why do you all expect me to take the lead?

Idle - You're our captain!

Cleese - No, I'm not.

Idle - _*sigh* _I know.

Palin - _(pause, then suddenly) _...It doesn't matter if you're Captain or not! _(everyone looks at him, surprised) _Well, I mean...you're John _freaking_ **Cleese**! You-...you can do anything!

Chapman - _(catching on) _Yes! Who was it that taught all those men how to defend themselves against fresh fruit?

Cleese - _(mumbling)_ Me.

Chapman - And who complained until he was blue in the mouth just to get his dead parrot justified?

Cleese - _(growing confidence) _I did.

Chapman - And who spent all that time speaking to an idiot, listing cheese after cheese, only to come to the conclusion that this man owned _no_ cheese?

Cleese - _(with full confidence) _I did, then I shot him in the head!

_Empowering music begins to play, getting slowly louder._

Idle - Yes! You did all those things! And that's why you're our leader! Our...'captain'!

Cleese - You're right! I can lead us to safety! Come on, men, start kicking! Head towards the sunset; there should be civilization to the west!

_The Pythons begin paddling themselves, and the lawn chair, in the direction of the sunset, and cross the border into Irish territory, only to be surrounded by several Irish coast guard ships._

Cleese - I've done it! I've saved us all! We're safe!

_The Irish then shoot them all dead._

Gilliam - _(dressed as an Irish policeman) _Bluddy redcoats. O, but that be a nice lawn chair, there, laddy! Pull 'er in!

_The lawn chair is brought aboard Gilliam's ship and they head back to Ireland._

Jones - _(extremely dramatic voice-over) _What will become of our beloved lawn chair, now that it has crossed into Irish territory? Don't touch that dial! We'll find out when the program returns!_  
_


	4. AUTHOR'S NOTE

Yeah, yeah, we all hate it when you see an update after, like, forever but it turns out to be an author's note. I'M SORRY, but it's important.**_  
_**

**_ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL MY READERS ON MY PROFILE PAGE  
_**


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